He was taller than any tree in recent memory and he said it was very nice to meet me and his big hand shook mine. Then, he pointed to the object I was holding in my hand and said “Who is this?”. He was pointing to my beloved blue haired doll Poo-key. When I introduced him, he shook her cloth hand, treating her just as real as I did.
I didn’t know it then, but that would be the first of many times that my Dad would make every sincere effort to become interested in what I was passionate about so that he could fully support me. Whether personifying a doll, watching a foreign film, or supporting me in Church activities, my Dad has a consistent pattern of action: listen, learn, support, facilitate.

It’s a pattern that I can point to throughout my whole life:

Last summer, we rented surf boards on our family vacation. After an hour or so of me fumbling around in the water and trying to teach myself, I saw my dad leave the beach and go inside. 15 minutes later, he came back out and walked down to the water: he’d watched a Youtube video on how to surf, and then he taught me how.

When we were little, my sister and I liked to play this game called Pretty Pretty Princess. My Dad, in his consistent mode of support, read every splash of ink on the ridiculously and needlessly long instruction manual, then played with us. He would be covered in plastic crowns, and necklaces and clip on earrings and if he won, which he often did, he would look into the mirror and do as the directions prompted: Declare that “[He was] the Pretty Pretty Princess.”

When I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, my Dad zig-zagged across the country so that I could visit every Sea World. He took me to Woodshole Oceanographic Institute and took my picture in front of all the cool diving apparatuses and bought be a green Woodshole T-shirt.

There are countless examples of this pattern in my life, and I am so thankful for it.

My Dad has also taught me the meaning of selflessness. Whether a complete stranger, or a family member, if my Dad commits to helping someone he abandons his own needs to fulfill theirs. He works through sweat, heat, inconvenience until the job is done, and then, when he is absolutely exhausted, he does MORE. Almost every moment I spend with my Dad is spent witnessing service: whether it’s something incredibly thoughtful he does for my Mom, or him making an extra stop to do something thoughtful for my sister and I before HIS needs are met.

Daddy, you have made so much possible for me. You have been the epitome of opportunity in my life. From mushrooms to a Master’s degree, you have been there every step of the way, whether I deserved it or not. Father’s day for you is not only recognizing all that you’ve already been in my life, but saying with absolute certainty and confidence that I believe you will ALWAYS be there… to listen, learn, support and facilitate. I love you Daddy.

The Movie Star

To get to the light you first have to walk through the dark corridor. It is an accurate design I think: before being bathed in truth we must first fumble through the absence of it. Once we’ve clumsily felt our way through darkness we emerge into the sunlight with a sense of relief. We are out of the dark… but not quite: the beams holding up the glass ceiling, and the railings lining the spiral staircase on its perimeter cast black shadows on the ground. Even in this white and clean sun filled space that is literally built up to the sky, you STILL must occasionally walk through the shadows.

This is how my life feels right now. In the weeks and days leading up to my Baptisim, I felt like I was in that dark corridor. It was scary and confusing, but I could see this huge light filled room and I knew that it would be okay. When you first arrive in that room, you’re just so excited to be there that you don’t see the shadows…. you just see the light.

As you begin to ascend up this staircase though, in order to move forward you HAVE to pass through them. Even when you reach the the top, you and the the white clouds are separated by thick glass. To go any further, you physically couldn’t make it through. I remember looking up and thinking that in order to fly through it, I’d have to leave my body behind.

Shadows are apart of life. Shadows, although confusing and void of warmth, are the reason that we know how true the light is. You have to keep walking. You have to have faith that if you keep moving, the next section of your journey will be a sun-filled one.

After some endurance and lots of faith, hopefully most of your time will be at the top, where the shadows are few and thin. And maybe, after bathing in this truth long enough, I will be lucky enough one day to be given a way to continue through the glass. And Ideally, my best friend will be with me.

I hope these pictures I took while in Atlanta better illustrate what I’m talking about.

Just look up and you'll see What is waiting...

Shadows....

keep walking...

Shadows

Shadows.

shadows

There will be no veil...

Keep walking...

And without shadows, would we know light?

Look forward to...

Even in the brightest rooms...

I also have a somewhat hidden obsession of music… Don’t get me wrong: I love writing, and I love movies, but the idea of playing and singing music in a room full of people to see their IMMEDIATE reaction to your very cathartic art would be incredible. It is often one of my favorite day dreams. I’d like to think that artists reach a certain point in their art work where, justified by their talent or not, they “cross-over” to another medium. Musicians acting, Da Vinci designing helicopter, Hec, even Paul McCartney is a painter now… Maybe after a lifetime of telling stories through film, I’ll start a band.

In an attempt to prepare for my future musical career, and to experience new and different things to feed my insatiable appetite for interesting writing material, I accepted an invitation to go to a Sacred Harp Sing. What’s this you ask? Well here is a great explanation from THE go to site for Sacred Harp Singing.

Sacred Harp is a uniquely American tradition that brings communities together to sing four-part hymns and anthems. It is a proudly inclusive and democratic part of our shared cultural heritage.

Participants are not concerned with re-creating or re-enacting historical events. Our tradition is a living, breathing, ongoing practice passed directly to us by generations of singers, many gone on before and many still living.

All events welcome beginners and newcomers, with no musical experience or religious affiliation required — in fact, the tradition was born from colonial “singing schools” whose purpose was to teach beginners to sing and our methods continue to reflect this goal. Though Sacred Harp is not affiliated with any denomination, it is a deeply spiritual experience for all involved, and functions as a religious observance for many singers.

Sacred Harp “singings” are not performances. There are no rehearsals and no separate seats for an audience. Every singing is a unique and self-sufficient event with a different group of assembled participants. The singers sit in a hollow square formation with one voice part on each side, all facing inwards so we can see and hear each other. However, visitors are always welcome to sit anywhere in the room and participate as listeners.

I had an INCREDIBLE time. I am usually really intimidated by musical experiences but this was SO accessible….. and it was just so HAPPY. The music is literally vibrating in your chest, and your singing about wonderful things that are uplifting and TRUE. I got choked up a few times, and it was incredibly meditative… It was just a collection of very sweet people in a beautiful and whimsical sunroom of a sweet and kind woman’s house. When I would get lost when following the notes, I would look around at the people in the room. Our faces were lit by a collection of odd vintage-y lamps, casting warm and soft shadows. Everyone was smiling and singing so loudly. We were are reveling in the sheer joy that was emanating from our lungs.

Check this out:

Informational Video:

I can’t wait to do it again!

Sorry that it’s been so long! Life has been busy. But that kind of busy in a good, I’ve crossed everything off my to-do list in record time kind of way.

I feel like I’ve finally found my baseline. Like I’ve grown into my skin, ya know? I’m under no illusion that this feeling will last consistently, but for right now, I’m so happy that I’m learning to understand perspective and therefore pick my battles… not everything is worth getting upset over.

I have three aspects of my life to thank for this: My students, and a new character in this great blockbuster that is my life: The Lawman.

My students are incredible. Everyday I learn something new from them. I am so HAPPY around them. I don’t want to do anything else. When i’m not with them, I live my life through thoughts like “Gahh… they’d love this movie” or “Jay needs new clothes” or “Jane would LOVE to go on a road trip…” There are a few of my students that I would, in a heartbeat, become their legal guardians. Somedays I wish I could just go pick them up and take them where ever they want to go…. I find myself wanting to learn everything about them. Gah. I LOVE them. They are my best friends, because they are everything that we should all strive to be: HONEST, ENTHUSIASTIC, ACCEPTING, and Funny. I am not exaggerating when I say that I cherish EVERY minute that I spend with them. They are my life, and I hope that I can work with them for years to come.

So the day before mother’s day my little sister reminded me that I had allegedly committed to coming with her to a cast party for Tallahassee Ballet’s Cinderella. I remember getting SO ANGRY with her because I felt that I had to go to follow through with a commitment but I really didn’t want to at ALL. Let me tell you: good things come from honoring your commitments. I met this guy there…we had a great conversation and I thought, “Well this was a lot more fun than I thought it would be.”

A few days later: a Facebook friend request, then…. an invitation for a date. An amazing date… a date in which my comment: “Gosh, there are so many good movies out now… It’s hard to pick… I wish we could see two!” Was met with “Well, why can’t we?” Two movies in one night. Pretty fantastic, huh?

A few more movies, a day of canoeing, a hike, televised B-Ball games, an art museum, and an alligator encounter later: I have to say this is one of the happiest and most exciting times of my life… When I’m with LM, I feel grounded and myself and I feel like I could be even better. He is goofy, and attractive, and brilliant and compassionate, and here is the kicker: he wants to spend his time with me.

Some of my favorite moments with LM so far have been in the bookstore… The first time we went, I was reading this amazing book about DaDa across from this amazing man reading a book about a marine… every few moments we’d share what we were reading and learning. I know that sounds a little mundane, but you don’t understand… I’ve never experienced that sheer comfort. That someone could genuinely and earnestly
discuss a crazy college from Germany in the 1930s and then point out a few funny drill Sergeant lines in a wartime autobiography. LM doesn’t act a certain way to “like” me… he doesn’t pretend to be into the things I am, or tell me I’m strange when I rant on about Wes Anderson or Alfred Hitchcock. He listens… and he smiles, and he says something brilliant and then, most of the time, he ends the sequence with a really nice kiss. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, but I hope that I will continue to live worthy of it.

LM will be starting Law School just a month or so before my Grad program starts…. Even though it will be heard I think, I also can’t help but feel like it’s a blessing… a time to draw back, regroup and see exactly what we’re dealing with…. understand after some distance and time, how strongly we feel for one another. I have a very strong prediction that LM with make an excellent and compassionate Lawyer. Did I mention how stunned but excited I am that he wants to spend his time with me? Or that he makes me feel like the biggest rock star that every lived (Lennon and Hendrix didn’t feel one ounce of what being around LM makes me feel)?

THIRD: Heavenly Father. I love my faith. I love my relationship with him. I love the loss I feel when I miss church a week because it’s just another testimony of how important it is to me. I love the infinite potential we’ve been given, and the agency to pursue it. I love that no matter where you rank yourself on the rungs of society, Heavenly Father looks at you equally. I feel so at home to be LDS. I feel like my identity and my self-worth are heavily rooted in my ideas about faith.

I love being this COMPLETELY happy….

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will.”
- Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

I saw Jayne Eyre a few weeks ago with other 2013 writers. I, honestly, was not expecting to see it. The birthday girl chose the movie, and after a period of indecision immediately after the film, I have come to the conclusion that I’m glad she did.

First, it was beautifully filmed. Stunning really. Each frame felt as if I were in a Romantic painting; like I’d been given a special pass to saunter behind one frame to another in a certain, gentle and sweet hallway of the Louvre.

I have never read any Charrolette B…. Tired her sister’s Wuthering Heights, and then, perhaps to my own loss, dismissed her sister. I didn’t know what to expect, at all really, from this story, and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

Much can be learned from this novel in regards to a female protagonist. A woman can suffer and not need to be rescued. She can live a pious life without being demure and resigned. She can fight to maintain her dignity without inadvertently sacrificing her feminism.

There is a shot at the climax of the film where Jane is rapidly untying the strings of her corset trying to get out of her gown as quickly as possible. The shot is of just her back and her hands as she rapidly attacks the strings that someone else tied from such an awkward and difficult angle. The footage is sped up…. gahhhh. I can’t describe how jarring it is against the soft and slow shots prevalent through the rest of the film. Good art is full of moments like that: these “ah-ha’s” we have when something has been articulated in a way that we could have never…. that awakens a powerful “Yes!!! I’ve FELT that!!!” I thought it was such an accurate visual metaphor: women sort of dress in different costumes for different occasions…. and I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve run home to rip the costume off of me in an attempt to rip the experience away from me.

So I guess the point of this post is a deceleration: I’ve discovered that self-reliant, feminine and pious women are possible to write without perpetuating the obnoxious “wetblanket” or the loud and wild “pistol”. Hoo-rah.

Ladies and gentlemen... MIss. Self Reliant!

'I am not a bird'

I had several moments this weekend where I’d hear myself say something, or receive strong inspiration for an idea and I felt so sustained and reminded that making films is what I’m meant to do.

I feel like as an artist, esp. one who is just starting to explore the depths of their craft… I feel like my ability and my creativity reach plateaus. Then something like this happens, and I feel this overwhelming sense that I have grown. That I am really an artist. That I am not just on the outside looking into a world that I’d love to one day be apart of.

This “I’ve kind of arrived” moment came, this time, in the form of my mentor asking me to help on his film. I can’t describe how that feels… How at the end of it, the director I most admire said “We got a lot done, and you did a good job!”

What’s awesome is that when I’m making a movie with my favorite director, I get to see and, in this case, stay with my best friend: His lovely wife P.H.
I can’t describe how much I love this lady. She is so honestly and completely herself and good, and I love being around her!! She inspires me to be a better person, and she inspires me to live my life with as much purpose and responsibility as possible.

I love OLY…not for the reasons that I thought… not for the quirky town, or the beautiful place that it is. I love it because of the friends I have…. I love it esp. because of P and C and movies.

I’m so glad I’m working on this project! Yesterday was AWESOME…. nice slow morning of catching up with my best friends, then we dove right into the work… the work of creating a WORLDDDD. Something to dive into. I’m falling in LOVE with this story and getting to know these characters.

I Wiiiissssssshhhhhhh I could be hear for shooting and I wish we had more time.

Check out our image banks :

Symbol System

Map in the Sand…

Who Lived Here Once…

Wardrobe image files…

MORE to come on this project later.

western dudes

The beginnings of my image collection for the film I’m designing for this weekend. Check out:
PRODUCTION DESIGN FOR A .45 CALIBER FILM…. Click Here.

Thoughts on PD-ing in a weekend:

-Don’t let the time intimidate you… It’s still important to explore the big, complicated themes… the key is to find POIGNANT, ECONOMICAL, SUBTLE and SMALL ways to represent those themes because that’s all you’ll have time to do.

-Understand that your value lies in your fresh set of eyes and objective, somewhat unattached view of things. Be honest…. and remember that your new look on things could be really valuable, and be prepared that it could be going in a completely opposite and therefore unrealistic direction than those who’ve been working on it a while.

-Remember there are no rules in a created alternative universe. Take full advantage of Willing Suspension of Disbelief.

-Small and consistent is almost always better than big and dramatic.

-Look at design like writing: vomit out all your ideas before you begin decided which are good and relevant and which aren’t. Get it out.

-Undivided support of the DIRECTORS vision. You’re providing the visual language as another way for the audience to SEE what his message and intent are.

TOTALLY doable in a weekend, right?

Memory and mirage

Karl Blau:

Watch all the way to the end… the ending is pretty great.

I love the throw back style of that old video. A LOT. Ironically, it reminds me of some pretty good youtube fodder that I stumbled upon alla newsfeed, filmed like 20 years earlier and just about the same quality. NIRVANA playing at my alma mater: THE EVERGREEN STATE COLLEGE.

So cool!! Kurt in my college library’s basement. In this thread of videos you can find them playing in K-dorms at Evergreen as well… so crazy!!! I love my college.

This is a band called BUSMAN’S HOLIDAY… I saw them play live in Tally about a month ago in this really quirky house. (large VHS collection….. sword fish made of rusty saws above the mantel… mismatched furniture will beautifully obnoxious fabric… you get the picture). AWESOME brothers with a barbershop sound and the jolliest disposition in two musicians you’ll ever find. Very kind, passionate and talented guys. I bought their album and I highly recommend it. More info can be found about them HERE.

(Mr.) Spacemen

Also at that same show, a local Tally band… that from what I can tell, has quite the following. I’ve seen them play twice and they are pretty fantastic. Probably the most inspiring lyricists I’ve heard recently. I love the imagery in their songs. This is HaHa Hospital’s Lighthouse… a song that I youtube quite often.

Now get ready for Flight Facilities. This song “Crave You” It speaks for itself. I listen to it a lot. to much. I’ll probably get sick of it soon.

the Cartographers – Concrete and Outerspace – One of the most innovative EPs I’ve heard in a while. The lead singer’s voice coupled with poignant and as an itunes reviewer says “subtly epic” lyrics… I’ts kind of a juxtaposition between something mundane and obvious with something otherworldly. Hence the “concrete and outerspace” perhaps? It makes me think of a map hand drawn on the back of printed out mapquest directions… or scribbled “rights then lefts” on Columbus’s sea log. I’m kind of addicted. I’ve played it at work the past few days and my students REALLY like it as well. You can buy it on itunes for less than five bucks… just make your screen look like this.

Really exciting, creative music.

I feel like enough people don’t know about this band. Ozma. A friend burnt me the album that these songs are on when I was in high school. I remember listening to it for the first time SO vividly. The sound is happy but sort of mischievous and ironically or sarcastically optimistic. It’s Weezer’s pinkerton meets, as a youtube comment put it, “8th grade in 1988″? I don’t know it’s hard to articulate the sound of something that has impacted my taste in music so much. I LOVE this album.

and… remember how good this album is? I used to have it on an old computer… just got it again. I really love it.

There were more bands I wanted to talk about…. that get me excited about scoring my films in the future. But these are on the mind right now for sure.

Also: I have learned something about myself: I am seriously intimidated by musicians. What a cool talent to have. I’m infatuated with what it would be like to be one. It’s one of my favorite day dreams. I should really learn more about music.

Next time Karl... Next time.

So lately… and by lately, I’d say the last two weeks…. I’ve heard from many people from my past. It’s exciting… but also strange and overwhelming. It’s when I start to wonder about the ramifications of FB… How has rekindling relationships through social networking sites changed the way society operates? Is it a bad thing, or good?

Is it easier to develop “friendships” or an expectation to regularly talk with people from our pasts on Facebook Chat than to cultivate true and lasting relationships with people in our day to day lives? How lost would I feel if these online rendez vous ended abruptly? Or, how settled and connected to my life would I find myself???

Is it best, sometimes, just to let friendships go? The natural ending of close friendships is something that I’ve become accustomed to. It’s part of moving around so much. I guess… If i were to polyanna this whole train of thought… I would come to this conclusion: How lucky we are to live in a time where the end of a friendship can be remedied with a click.

Maybe just maybe… I’ll walk away from over analyzing this one and call it a day at a positive outlook???

I sense a Facebook fast…. coming soon…

And this is the shape of the world....

Polyanna

Hayley Mills playing Polyanna... And yep, that's who I'm named after.